Facebook Stalker of the Year: Christopher Jones

Enough said.

Arielle Reid Award: Students for a Democratic Society

We don’t know how this SDS story will end legally, but they’ve already given us enough entertainment to merit this, the original and most coveted Carolina Review Award.

Best CRDaily.com comment: Stephen E

That was such a ridiculous flame war (scroll down to the bottom).

Gary Birdsong Award: Justin Crowder

Also known as the Glenn Beck Award and the Most Likely to be Burned in Effigy Award. This award was literally made for Crowder last year.

Best Hair: Not Anthony Dent

Really, you’re just not doing it for me this year. Where is the perfectly defined part? The superfluous straightness? The shininess?

The Like, OMG, We Actually Have a Whole Design Staff This Year Award: Amanda Bastyr, Emily Carr, Beth Lawrence and Sarah Sessoms

Like, OMG, we actually have a whole design staff this year!

Most Likely to Commit a Minor Assault During a Staff Meeting: Rosie Bucherati

That really hurt, scary lady.

Mr. Rogers Award for Excellence in Sweaters: Nash Keune

This one was not my idea.

Most Likely to be at the Vanguard of a Revolution: Christopher Jones and Justin Crowder (tie)

Right now these two are neck-and-neck for this prestigious award. I’m taking wagers on how many medieval swords will be used during that revolution.

Most Likely to get Trapped in an Endless Cycle of Midget Puns: Chelsea Walker

Need I explain?

The Bryan Weynand and Nash Keune Award for Editorial Excellence: Bryan Weynand and Nash Keune

What do you give to the Editors who already have the Order of Charlton Allen, the Gold Star, the Order of Victory, and Hero of Soviet Union awards? You name an award after them. And whom better to receive this award than the inspiring duo of Bryan Weynand and Nash Keune?

As always, send me any additional suggestions.

Senior breaks up with boyfriend because of decreasing quality of Facebook banter

CHAPEL HILL (CR)- “At the beginning of the relationship, right when we were entering the send-each-other-Bumper-Stickers-everyday phase, he used to write witty posts laden with inside jokes,” said Kristen Ryan. “Now he just sends me ‘hey you <3′ and ‘happy birthday baby.’ Even the creepy guy from my freshman ANTH 101 who posts ‘hey girll, long time no talk ;(‘ puts more thought into his posts.”

Art Review

Post-Modernist paints a breathe-taking, aesthetically magnificent, and narratively coherent composition that simultaneously moves the soul, pleases the eye, and tells a story, ironically.

YWC revealed to be an elaborate ruse set up by the SDS

CHAPEL HILL (CR)- Many were surprised today to discover that the controversial Youths for Western Civilization (YWC) is really just a front organization set up by the slightly-less-controversial Students for a Democratic Society (SDS).

“We were just really, really bored, and had no good protest ideas,” said an anonymous member of the SDS. “So, we set up this fake, offensive group. All of it is fake. It doesn’t actually have any members or anything. No one- no one actually believes the stuff the YWC espouses. It’s just crazy. And trust us, we’re the SDS. We know about crazy ideas…”

Midget caught in unbreakable cycle of puns

DENVER (CR)- “It all started when I, a little person, moved to the unfortunately nicknamed ‘Mile High City,’” said Bryan McPhatter, Jr.

His troubles continued during his first day of work yesterday, when he was assigned to do all of his division’s expense reports. Said McPhatter, “I got the short end of the stick.”

Then, at the lunch counter, he thought he had more cash in his wallet than he actually did. “I just came up a bit short.”

“After lunch, I got back to the office, only to find that I had been assigned another batch of cold calls. It was just a lot more work than I expected on my first day at a new job. I was in over my head.”

All of these irksome puns got so annoying, so exasperating, that McPhatter contemplated suicide. “But suicide is such a serious, final thing, with so many repercussions. It really is a tall order.”

Increased rates of promiscuity blamed on the ah-ah-ah ah-ah alcohol

Also cited: the goose, the ‘tron, the vodka, the henny, and the blue tap. [...yeah, my knowledge of hip hop is at least a few months behind]

Local teenage girl changes profile picture to one taken from a slightly more flattering angle; immediately asked to Homecoming by Captain of the football team

Scientific study shows that Donald Simmons’ day was indeed just “fine”

This dispels Mrs. Simmons’ suspicions that Mr. Simmons was misreporting the true level of excitement of his day.

Snarky sophomore wears t-shirt bearing witty slogan; immediately asked out by the cute, quirky indie chick from his British Lit class

CHAPEL HILL (CR)- “The first day of class, I wore my shirt that says ‘Conspicuous Consumption’ on it, under which it has a picture of a guy buying a shirt that says ‘Conspicuous Consumption,’” said Steven Hinski. “I saw that she laughed a little to herself as I walked by.”

On the second day of class Hinski wore a shirt that said “I decide whether to hate the player and/or the game on a case-by-case basis,” to which she said, “Nice shirt,” with a grin.

Over the last few weeks Hinski has worn shirts that said “Gay Chicken Champion,” “Check out my Livestrong bracelet(s)!” and “I remember when Will Ferrell was funny,” all of which (obviously) impressed her immensely.

Finally, today Hinski wore his “I want to see less Animal Rights and more Animal Fights” shirt with a picture of a cock fight, which was just completely irresistible.

My last three posts were long, serious (for TMWWT), and narcissistic. So my next few posts are going to be short, silly, and have nothing to do with me. Today, I have some satirical news items. Some are just headlines; some are story fragments. If you like them, I’ll post another batch next week (actually, I’ll probably post more next week no matter what, because I have a surplus). Hope you enjoy…

Local Man receives millions from Nigerian Prince

CHAPEL HILL (CR)- When Prince Obayuwana’s father was deposed during Nigeria’s latest military coup, he was afraid that his massive fortune would be confiscated by the country’s new rulers. He needed to get his money out of Nigeria as fast as possible, so he sent a desperate email to every address he could find. One man replied to that email: John Galloway.

“I knew the Prince’s email was important because it was in all capital letters,” said Galloway. “I always respond to emails in all-caps.”

Mr. Galloway and Prince Obayuwana said that the details of their deal were to remain secret, but it seems that Galloway gave Obayuwana a small loan in order to bribe a bank official. In return, Obayuwana gave Galloway approximately 10% of his fortune, equal to about $21 million.

Midgets play game of basketball; passerby’s heart explodes because of the adorableness

DENVER (CR)- According to a witness, “She was fine when she first saw them. I mean, she was definitely overwhelmed by the cuteness, but it wasn’t until she saw the referee, dressed up in his little outfit, with the little stripes and everything, that she was overcome by giggles. You could literally hear her heart explode.”

State officials have duly begun a study concerning the threat posed to the general public by midget recreational activities.

Entire advertising industry quits when they discover that the advertising industry is nothing like the TV show “Mad Men”

Unitarian Universalist accidentally prays to the right God

CARRBORO (CR)- A practicing Unitarian Universalist, Scott White appreciates all religions and all religious figures. So, he prays to each religion’s deity in turn. However that all went awry on Thursday night.

White, who keeps an ever-expanding list of Gods to pray to and another list of prayers to recite, from which he chooses randomly each night, “usually end[s] up praying, say, a Hindu prayer to Mohamed.”

But, Thursday night, White randomly chose to say the Lord’s Prayer to the Christian God. “I was discomforted by the real sense of a true, fulfilling connection with the almighty creator of the universe,” said White.

When asked if he is going to continue praying to the Christian God, White said, “No. I much prefer the vague sense of spiritual uplift that being Unitarian gives.”

Upon further inspection, crop circles revealed to be gigantic game of Tic-Tac-Toe

Obama gives Megan Fox to Vladimir Putin

MOSCOW (CR)- Last week, Obama decided to scrap Bush’s missile defense system in Eastern European in hopes of appeasing the Russians. This week he is going a step further by personally handing America’s greatest natural resource to the Russian Prime Minister and ultimate decision-maker.

Junior preemptively dumps potential girlfriend

CHAPEL HILL (CR)- When David Cooper met Megan Dillard at a house party two weeks ago, he thought they hit it off (though neither of them was completely sober at the time). For the last two weeks, they’ve been texting back and forth. Then, earlier this week, David finally asked Megan to “grab some lunch or something.” It was on this lunch-date that he discovered the shocking truth.

“She seemed genuinely ignorant of my favorite movies, TV shows, and music,” said David. “She didn’t even know my activities. It was like she hadn’t even Facebook stalked me at all.”

When confronted with this galling accusation, Megan admitted that, indeed, she had not Facebook stalked her potential beau. David was forced to end their budding romance.

“How can she really be serious about a relationship if she isn’t even willing to put in a little bit of effort and scour through each of my 382 Facebook photos?” asked David. “If we’re already having problems like this, how are we ever going to get to the change-both-of-our-profile-pictures-to-pictures-with-both-us-smiling-happily phase, or even the sign-each-other’s-walls-daily phase?”