Foucault’s central lesson that the way in which a person learns to interpret their life determines how they construct and participate in their life’s narrative(s) can be applied to Carolina’s mania for panels. It seems that every potentially controversial event on campus from hate crime hoaxes to the looming threat of Snoop Dogg visiting campus requires a hastily planned panel where the socially conscious meet to agree at each other in a round table format.  A Foucaultian (sp?) reading of this tendency might argue that training ourselves to react to every public scandal as a panelable moment directs us to spontaneously respond to each event as if it were a panel topic. Having occasionally attended these panels as a freshman/sophomore, and then weening myself from the habit despite the frequent promise of free cookies and/or beverages, I can attest to the fact that in aiming for the lowest common denominator of inoffensive compromise, public panels of this sort at best arrive at vapidly agreeable but ultimately useless propositions, such as: “racism is bad,” “free speech is good,” “rape is bad,” “Led Zeppelin is good.” Thus, our obsession with panels will cause our thinking on undeniably meaningful issues to be restricted to such bland sentiments, eventually rendering our public discourse anemic and unable to actually solve the dilemmas facing our institution.

NIT fever.

It was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen at UNC. Frankly, I’d rather pretend the NIT didn’t exist. Let’s talk about the NCAA tournament.

Every season I agonize over my bracket. March is the one time each year that my otherwise inappropriate obsession with basketball becomes mainstream. So in the four days between Selection Sunday and the start of the tournament, I release a lot of pent-up energy researching for my bracket. I start by dutifully looking at general team characteristics, coaching styles, wins vs. top 50 teams, etc., but eventually delve into terrifyingly raw philosophical deconstructions and epistemic paradoxes. Every year I go on a journey from hope to desperation to exhaustion to existential angst to a recognition of my own insignificance in the universe to the understanding that Georgia Tech simply doesn’t have the guard play to deal with Oklahoma State’s press.

To avoid a post of Jonesian proportions, I’ll only write about the most intriguing games.

East

#5 Temple vs. #12 Cornell: A lot of people have Cornell winning. Cornell has become one of this year’s biggest “water-cooler dandies”- people who follow basketball a moderate amount have heard of Cornell’s surprising flirtation with the top 25, know that they’re supposed to be good but don’t exactly know why and are mostly picking them as an upset special to impress their equally semi-informed friends. But I don’t see it. Temple and Cornell play very similar styles, mostly because Temple’s coach (Fran Dunphy, who was spent four years coaching under the venerable Gary Williams) was Cornell’s coach’s mentor. Temple’s just plays that style better. They handily beat Penn, who handily beat Cornell. The most telling stat to me: Temple holds its opponents to 28% 3-point shooting (Cornell’s offense runs on the three). In the end, I don’t think the mystical forces of fashionability can overcome talent.

Final four pick: Kentucky. West Virginia could be tough in the Elite 8, but they’re just so boring. They only have one real scoring threat (a relative term in the case of West Virginia). Kentucky’s inexperience scares me a little, but they’re just so talented. Of course, when it comes to teams coached by John Calipari, the number of final four appearances is probably directly proportional to the number of recruiting violations committed.

South

#4 Purdue vs. #13 Siena: Purdue is without their #2 scorer and rebounder Robbie Hummel. They scored 11 points in the first half of their last game (they only had 4 points in the first 16 minutes). This kind of feels like a trap. Siena seems like an all-too-easy upset pick. But then again…

#8 California vs. #9 Louisville: This year’s batch of 8/9 games is relatively disappointing. Cal/Louisville is the most interesting 8/9 game to me. Louisville did beat Syracuse twice. But Louisville hasn’t done much outside of beating Syracuse, and they have trouble defending the three, which is one of Cal’s strong points. I’d lean towards Cal.

Final Four pick: Baylor. I mean, Duke does have an unconscionably easy road to the final four. But Baylor does have LaceDarius Dunn and Tweety Carter. Not only are their names awesome, they’re also one of the nation’s better one-two scoring threats. And, if Duke’s outside shooting is off, they’ll have to deal with Ekpe Udoh, the nation’s fifth-ranked shot blocker. So Baylor winning isn’t inconceivable.

West

#4 Vanderbilt vs. #13 Murray State: Each year, there are one or two teams that shoot over 50% while holding their opponents to less than 40% shooting.  The 30 win Murray State is one of those statistical anomalies this year. Plus, Vanderbilt is a really weak four seed. I love Murray State for the upset.

Second Round

#5 Butler vs. #13 Murray State: I have a friend whose opinion I respect who has Butler losing to UTEP in the first round. I would love to see a UTEP/ Murray State match-up. Either way, I have Murray State in my Sweet 16.

Final four pick: Kansas State. I was leaning this way anyways, but with Onuaku iffy, I feel pretty certain about this pick.

Midwest

Second Round

#3 Georgetown vs. #7 Tennessee: This is hard to pick, simply because both of these teams are so bipolar. Both have really good wins (Tennessee beat Kansas and Kentucky, Georgetown beat Syracuse, Villanova, Duke, and Pittsburg) and they both have bad losses (Tennessee just lost to Kentucky 74-45, Georgetown has lost to Rutgers and South Florida)

#4 Maryland vs. #5 Michigan State: I know some people picking Michigan State simply because of Tom Izzo. But frankly, I don’t respect any team that lost to UNC this year.

Final four pick: Kansas. This is a really loaded bracket, so there are a couple of viable candidates. To me it comes down to: Sherrod Collins + Cole Aldrich +Xavier Henry +  Marcus Morris> Evan Turner (but just barely).

For now, Duke delenda est.

Anyways, we at the Carolina Review are currently preparing for the spring semester. Starting with the next issue, my co-Editor Bryan Weynand will be transitioning into an advisory role as he prepares to graduate. His time as Editor has coincided with our paper’s golden age. He will certainly be missed next year.

Bryan’s impending graduation has gotten me thinking about my own legacy. One thing I’m particularly concerned with is our institutional longevity. I want to know that whatever momentum we’ve built over the last few years won’t peter out once the current editorial staff moves on.

The Man Who Was Thursday is one of the most important parts of that legacy. When I graduate, I want to pass this column along to an underclassmen who can keep the TMWWT franchise alive. So, I’ve developed an application to become TMWWT’s apprentice. Applicants should perform any and all of the tasks on this SAT (Snark Aptitude Test) that pique their interest in the comment section. You do not have to be on staff to apply.

Post a link to your favorite viral video. (I think that in the modern world you can tell more about a person by knowing the youtube videos he or she watches than by knowing just about anything else)

Write three original staff award ideas.

Give yourself and at least one other staff member a nickname. For example: Lord Nashington

Hitler: thumbs up or down? (sadly, I actually have to ask this to screen applicants)

Would you rather have Sarah Palin as your President or your best friend’s mom.

How many sweaters do you own?

Write three portmanteaus using the word “bro.” For example: Broseph McCarthy or brocassional. (This is a test of your brocabulary)

Midget puns: go.

Fill in the Blank:

Chris Jones has ____ hidden around campus.

Eat the ____.

Write a simile that describes how narcissistic this post is.

One experience, though, is especially illuminating given our very race-conscious surroundings. In 2001, I played on a summer league team on which I was the only white player.

Of course, I stood out because of my race. Whenever my parents showed up to one of our games, one of the officials invariably joked that he could guess who my parents were. And all of my nicknames involved the fact that I was white. I’m pretty sure that some of my teammates’ parents didn’t know my real name but, rather, knew me only as “Vanilla Ice.”

Looking back, though, my race didn’t really affect much. There was a little bit of tension over the fact that I started ahead of several black players, but that was never too serious. Our coach was black, so accusations of racial discrimination rang a bit hollow. Any racial strife didn’t get in our way, as we went undefeated.

But, while race didn’t really divide our team, differences in socio-economic status did, at least to some degree. As a middle-upper-middle class WASP, I had been raised in a different cultural milieu than my teammates (a couple of whom acquired criminal records and failed to graduate from high school on time).

This didn’t really affect what happened on the court nearly as much as it affected my performance of the little rituals that surround the game. For instance, I was forbidden from trash-talking, mostly because I once accidentally used the word “lugubrious” in one of my ill-conceived taunts.

However, my upbringing did give me advantages in other areas. I was always assigned to be the guy who complained to the refs about dubious calls. Excuse me sir, I believe you have erred grievously in assigning a foul to my cohort. While I do respect your position, I would only ask- nay, beseech you to be more cautious as the competition continues.

But, most significantly, I brought Diversity to the team. Case in point: during warm-ups, our coach usually played music to pump us up. Each of the starters got to choose a song to play. My teammates each chose hardcore rap songs, while I favored the Smashing Pumpkins. I firmly believe that any time the angst-ridden vocals of Billy Corgan are united with the ghetto-infused dissonance of gangsta rap, society wins.

That said, I think missing a post was definitely worth it. Both events were very successful. In fact, they were so successful that we’re already starting to make plans for our next batch of events.

Personally, I think we should branch out and try some innovative types of events. For instance, I think we could start with a Ronald Reagan Day, during which we honor the most important figure in American conservatism by speaking only in Reagan quotes. Everyone who chooses to participate will be required to find a famous Reagan line to fit each and every situation they are in throughout the day (though, for some conservatives, this won’t actually require any change in behavior at all).

I also think we should have some CR-specific events. I would like to have Chris Jones lead a “How to Survive the Apocalypse” seminar. However, as I reread that event title, I realize that I’m not entirely sure which side of the apocalypse issue Chris is on, so that might end up being “How to Start the Apocalypse.” Either way, it’s probably a good idea to know what weapons Chris favors.

And I would love to host an “Ask Crowder” event. I imagine Justin Crowder sitting in the middle of a circle of his peers, whom we invite to pick Crowder’s brain about any issues they find pressing. That might sound innocuous enough. But knowing both Justin and the student body, I envision it ending with Crowder being showered in a hail of flaming arrows while he defends himself with a twenty foot tall American Flag, all the while shouting phrases like, “the knavery of the scoundrels!”

Finally, I think we should have a Bryan Weynand and Nash Keune Bobble Head Day. Maybe we could just pass them out around campus or even distribute them at basketball games (I mean, the same world in which the CR would have bobble heads is the same world in which we would be able to pass them out at basketball games). For one thing, it would be a good marketing ploy. But more importantly, I’ve always wanted to play with a bobble head of myself (I wonder what a psychoanalyst would have to say about that…).

But, as always, I would love to hear any suggestions you have (maybe something a bit more topical than the apocalypse or bobble heads?).

Update: One of the online comments on the DTH article about the protest against the recent $2,095 appropriation to SDS likened the protest group, which was supposedly composed solely of members of the Carolina Review, to a “right-wing goon squad” (despite the fact that the leader of the protest is a Democrat and only three of the protesters are on our staff).

Now, no such entity actually exists. But, I really wish it did. After all, as one of the Editors of the CR, I would presumably be one of the heads of that goon squad- which would be awesome. And, I mean, if people are going to treat us like we have a goon squad, why don’t we just go ahead and form one?

Of course, before we start our goon squad we would need to have some sort of recruitment and initiation process (sort of like a rush for our reactionary cabal). We already have matching t-shirts for everyone to wear (by the way, we recently uncovered a hidden cachet of Carolina Review shirts; just let me know if you want one).

And, this would give the CR editorial staff the opportunity to haze new recruits. For instance, we could have a “minute of shame,” during which we shout truly awful, terrible, and reprehensible terms at our prospective members to test their mettle, like “open minded,” “multiculturalist,” or “tolerant.” Whew- I shudder just imaging having to call innocent people such thoroughly objectionable words. Anyone who could possibly survive such torture would definitely be able to face whatever might be in store for our goons.

Facebook Stalker of the Year: Christopher Jones

Enough said.

Arielle Reid Award: Students for a Democratic Society

We don’t know how this SDS story will end legally, but they’ve already given us enough entertainment to merit this, the original and most coveted Carolina Review Award.

Best CRDaily.com comment: Stephen E

That was such a ridiculous flame war (scroll down to the bottom).

Gary Birdsong Award: Justin Crowder

Also known as the Glenn Beck Award and the Most Likely to be Burned in Effigy Award. This award was literally made for Crowder last year.

Best Hair: Not Anthony Dent

Really, you’re just not doing it for me this year. Where is the perfectly defined part? The superfluous straightness? The shininess?

The Like, OMG, We Actually Have a Whole Design Staff This Year Award: Amanda Bastyr, Emily Carr, Beth Lawrence and Sarah Sessoms

Like, OMG, we actually have a whole design staff this year!

Most Likely to Commit a Minor Assault During a Staff Meeting: Rosie Bucherati

That really hurt, scary lady.

Mr. Rogers Award for Excellence in Sweaters: Nash Keune

This one was not my idea.

Most Likely to be at the Vanguard of a Revolution: Christopher Jones and Justin Crowder (tie)

Right now these two are neck-and-neck for this prestigious award. I’m taking wagers on how many medieval swords will be used during that revolution.

Most Likely to get Trapped in an Endless Cycle of Midget Puns: Chelsea Walker

Need I explain?

The Bryan Weynand and Nash Keune Award for Editorial Excellence: Bryan Weynand and Nash Keune

What do you give to the Editors who already have the Order of Charlton Allen, the Gold Star, the Order of Victory, and Hero of Soviet Union awards? You name an award after them. And whom better to receive this award than the inspiring duo of Bryan Weynand and Nash Keune?

As always, send me any additional suggestions.

I was on Crowder Chat this Sunday. If you haven’t seen the episode, watch it. If you have seen it, watch it again. There are a lot of layers.

Anyways, Homecoming is quickly approaching and the student government is rushing to make arrangements for all of the different Homecoming events. To that end, earlier this week I received this email from Student Body President Jasmin Jones:

Hi Nash,

Homecoming is just a couple of weeks away, and we are all excited to be playing our rival, Duke!!! There are many ways that you can take part in the homecoming celebration, but I wanted to personally email you to request your participation in the 2009 Homecoming Parade. I feel that your organization represents a special part of Carolina and I would like for the community, students and alumni to see you. The parade will also be an excellent opportunity to publicize your club.

I couldn’t refuse such a very personal appeal. But, then again, the Carolina Review hasn’t ever designed a float. I want our float to embody the uniqueness of the Carolina Review. After all, the CR “represents a special part of Carolina,” and it would be a shame if the community, students, and alumni didn’t get the chance to experience that “special part.”

I’ve only come up with three ideas. We could just go with a classic and create 60 foot long balloons of me and Bryan and carry them through the parade. Or we could celebrate some of our more scandalous issues by all wearing I <3 Goat Orgasm shirts while proudly smoking cigars and dragging a freshly chopped down virgin rainforest tree through the street. Or we could go to one of the local sites where day laborers congregate to wait for work, pick up a batch of illegal immigrants and parade them through town under a sign boasting of their illegal status, just to see how the people of Chapel Hill deal with it.

But, of course, the Carolina Review firmly believes in inclusiveness, so I would like to invite you to send in your suggestions for our float.

My parents were both born into what might be called the upper lower middle class. By the time I was born, my family had reached the lower upper middle class, and we gradually ascended to the middle upper middle class.

However, throughout that steady climb, my parents’ attitudes remained constrained by their upbringings. As such, I was raised to view the game of golf (and, by the way, it is most definitely a game; I mean, anything you can do while wearing trousers is not a sport) as an odd pastime of rich octogenarian curmudgeons. That view was mostly reinforced by popular culture.

I’ve come to see that my naive concept was thoroughly wrong. This was not a sudden realization. When I first started playing golf, I felt a bit out of place- I was in the argyle sweater, but not of the argyle sweater.

As I played more, I developed the idea for two pranks which I would love to play someday. The first prank is probably the first thing I would do if I ever become obscenely rich. Instead of carrying my bag of clubs or hiring a caddie, I want to pay a horde of a dozen or so of the most British guys I can find to wear matching navy blazers and follow me around the course, each carrying a single club. Oh Nigel, good chap, can you hand me the 5-iron?

The second is far less expensive and, thus, more likely to ever happen. I want to go to a miniature golf course decked out in ultra-stereotypical golfer clothing (something like this), with a full bag of clubs, accompanied by a caddie and a competitor. I would do all of the typical golf rituals: pick up and drop a patch of grass to judge the wind, have my caddie use golf binoculars to measure the distance to the pin (It’s about 13 feet to the pin, 7 to the sand trap), debate with my caddie before each shot about which club to use (If I use the sand wedge I could bypass the windmill and get to the green in one), etc. I plan on taking at least four hours to complete 18 holes.

Now, I’ve described these dream pranks to most of the people I’ve played with, expecting them to be put off by my irreverence. But, they’ve been surprisingly, disappointingly receptive. Even the Mickey Rooney lookalike who runs one of the driving ranges near my house, who’s so old that he remembers when golf was called “that game the Scots just invented,” appreciated the humor.

I’ve realized that golfers are mostly good-humored people. They actually tend to genuinely appreciate things more than the rest of the population. You see, most people hit only a few good shots out of a round of, say, 90 strokes. Golf is such a soul-crushing game, in which the player is constantly, brutally confronted with the sheer futility of human action that he has to appreciate the small things in life or lose himself to complete hopelessness. Hippies like the great outdoors because it’s the only thing that can mask their smell. Golfers love the great outdoors because they’ve experienced an intense, surreal deconstruction.

Senior breaks up with boyfriend because of decreasing quality of Facebook banter

CHAPEL HILL (CR)- “At the beginning of the relationship, right when we were entering the send-each-other-Bumper-Stickers-everyday phase, he used to write witty posts laden with inside jokes,” said Kristen Ryan. “Now he just sends me ‘hey you <3′ and ‘happy birthday baby.’ Even the creepy guy from my freshman ANTH 101 who posts ‘hey girll, long time no talk ;(‘ puts more thought into his posts.”

Art Review

Post-Modernist paints a breathe-taking, aesthetically magnificent, and narratively coherent composition that simultaneously moves the soul, pleases the eye, and tells a story, ironically.

YWC revealed to be an elaborate ruse set up by the SDS

CHAPEL HILL (CR)- Many were surprised today to discover that the controversial Youths for Western Civilization (YWC) is really just a front organization set up by the slightly-less-controversial Students for a Democratic Society (SDS).

“We were just really, really bored, and had no good protest ideas,” said an anonymous member of the SDS. “So, we set up this fake, offensive group. All of it is fake. It doesn’t actually have any members or anything. No one- no one actually believes the stuff the YWC espouses. It’s just crazy. And trust us, we’re the SDS. We know about crazy ideas…”

Midget caught in unbreakable cycle of puns

DENVER (CR)- “It all started when I, a little person, moved to the unfortunately nicknamed ‘Mile High City,’” said Bryan McPhatter, Jr.

His troubles continued during his first day of work yesterday, when he was assigned to do all of his division’s expense reports. Said McPhatter, “I got the short end of the stick.”

Then, at the lunch counter, he thought he had more cash in his wallet than he actually did. “I just came up a bit short.”

“After lunch, I got back to the office, only to find that I had been assigned another batch of cold calls. It was just a lot more work than I expected on my first day at a new job. I was in over my head.”

All of these irksome puns got so annoying, so exasperating, that McPhatter contemplated suicide. “But suicide is such a serious, final thing, with so many repercussions. It really is a tall order.”

Increased rates of promiscuity blamed on the ah-ah-ah ah-ah alcohol

Also cited: the goose, the ‘tron, the vodka, the henny, and the blue tap. [...yeah, my knowledge of hip hop is at least a few months behind]

Local teenage girl changes profile picture to one taken from a slightly more flattering angle; immediately asked to Homecoming by Captain of the football team

Scientific study shows that Donald Simmons’ day was indeed just “fine”

This dispels Mrs. Simmons’ suspicions that Mr. Simmons was misreporting the true level of excitement of his day.

Snarky sophomore wears t-shirt bearing witty slogan; immediately asked out by the cute, quirky indie chick from his British Lit class

CHAPEL HILL (CR)- “The first day of class, I wore my shirt that says ‘Conspicuous Consumption’ on it, under which it has a picture of a guy buying a shirt that says ‘Conspicuous Consumption,’” said Steven Hinski. “I saw that she laughed a little to herself as I walked by.”

On the second day of class Hinski wore a shirt that said “I decide whether to hate the player and/or the game on a case-by-case basis,” to which she said, “Nice shirt,” with a grin.

Over the last few weeks Hinski has worn shirts that said “Gay Chicken Champion,” “Check out my Livestrong bracelet(s)!” and “I remember when Will Ferrell was funny,” all of which (obviously) impressed her immensely.

Finally, today Hinski wore his “I want to see less Animal Rights and more Animal Fights” shirt with a picture of a cock fight, which was just completely irresistible.

My last three posts were long, serious (for TMWWT), and narcissistic. So my next few posts are going to be short, silly, and have nothing to do with me. Today, I have some satirical news items. Some are just headlines; some are story fragments. If you like them, I’ll post another batch next week (actually, I’ll probably post more next week no matter what, because I have a surplus). Hope you enjoy…

Local Man receives millions from Nigerian Prince

CHAPEL HILL (CR)- When Prince Obayuwana’s father was deposed during Nigeria’s latest military coup, he was afraid that his massive fortune would be confiscated by the country’s new rulers. He needed to get his money out of Nigeria as fast as possible, so he sent a desperate email to every address he could find. One man replied to that email: John Galloway.

“I knew the Prince’s email was important because it was in all capital letters,” said Galloway. “I always respond to emails in all-caps.”

Mr. Galloway and Prince Obayuwana said that the details of their deal were to remain secret, but it seems that Galloway gave Obayuwana a small loan in order to bribe a bank official. In return, Obayuwana gave Galloway approximately 10% of his fortune, equal to about $21 million.

Midgets play game of basketball; passerby’s heart explodes because of the adorableness

DENVER (CR)- According to a witness, “She was fine when she first saw them. I mean, she was definitely overwhelmed by the cuteness, but it wasn’t until she saw the referee, dressed up in his little outfit, with the little stripes and everything, that she was overcome by giggles. You could literally hear her heart explode.”

State officials have duly begun a study concerning the threat posed to the general public by midget recreational activities.

Entire advertising industry quits when they discover that the advertising industry is nothing like the TV show “Mad Men”

Unitarian Universalist accidentally prays to the right God

CARRBORO (CR)- A practicing Unitarian Universalist, Scott White appreciates all religions and all religious figures. So, he prays to each religion’s deity in turn. However that all went awry on Thursday night.

White, who keeps an ever-expanding list of Gods to pray to and another list of prayers to recite, from which he chooses randomly each night, “usually end[s] up praying, say, a Hindu prayer to Mohamed.”

But, Thursday night, White randomly chose to say the Lord’s Prayer to the Christian God. “I was discomforted by the real sense of a true, fulfilling connection with the almighty creator of the universe,” said White.

When asked if he is going to continue praying to the Christian God, White said, “No. I much prefer the vague sense of spiritual uplift that being Unitarian gives.”

Upon further inspection, crop circles revealed to be gigantic game of Tic-Tac-Toe

Obama gives Megan Fox to Vladimir Putin

MOSCOW (CR)- Last week, Obama decided to scrap Bush’s missile defense system in Eastern European in hopes of appeasing the Russians. This week he is going a step further by personally handing America’s greatest natural resource to the Russian Prime Minister and ultimate decision-maker.

Junior preemptively dumps potential girlfriend

CHAPEL HILL (CR)- When David Cooper met Megan Dillard at a house party two weeks ago, he thought they hit it off (though neither of them was completely sober at the time). For the last two weeks, they’ve been texting back and forth. Then, earlier this week, David finally asked Megan to “grab some lunch or something.” It was on this lunch-date that he discovered the shocking truth.

“She seemed genuinely ignorant of my favorite movies, TV shows, and music,” said David. “She didn’t even know my activities. It was like she hadn’t even Facebook stalked me at all.”

When confronted with this galling accusation, Megan admitted that, indeed, she had not Facebook stalked her potential beau. David was forced to end their budding romance.

“How can she really be serious about a relationship if she isn’t even willing to put in a little bit of effort and scour through each of my 382 Facebook photos?” asked David. “If we’re already having problems like this, how are we ever going to get to the change-both-of-our-profile-pictures-to-pictures-with-both-us-smiling-happily phase, or even the sign-each-other’s-walls-daily phase?”